In a surprising move within the digital landscape, three beloved platforms, Witchfork, Wandcamp, and Wheatport, are set to shutter as part of a mysterious merger. Witchfork, renowned for its discerning music reviews, Wandcamp, a haven for independent musicians, and Wheatport, a niche (but highly profitable) platform for trading wheat, will cease operations on Wednesday 24th April, if leaked documents are to be trusted.

The amalgamation of these distinctive platforms has left users and enthusiasts alike bewildered, with speculation rife regarding the motives behind the merger. While Witchfork catered to music aficionados, offering insightful critiques and recommendations, Wandcamp provided independent artists with a platform to showcase their talent, and Wheatport facilitated trading in the agricultural sector, primarily focusing on wheat.

The decision to close these platforms comes amidst whispers of a profit-driven agenda behind the WWW merger. Industry analysts have posited that the consolidation of these entities may be aimed at streamlining operations and maximising profitability, albeit at the cost of discontinuing well-established services that catered to niche communities.

Pat Stool from Witchfork's Newsdesk took to social media to declare, "I am the News, but this is News to me."

Meanwhile, Witchfork Editor Ali Michael was overheard saying, "We are at a point globally where timelines are merging and the boundaries between realms are becoming soft. No one can tell when one ends and another begins and it’s all an illusion anyway. We have a lot of longtime loyal readers who I imagine will be devastated by the news of this merger but this will make perfect sense once All Is Revealed."

New Alias director A. G. Cook (who was reported to be the original owner of all three companies) released the following statement via his representatives:

I wish WWW all the best, and think that this much needed re-structuring will be incredible for its readers, users, and traders. Personally, I can't wait to exclusively pay for music criticism and audio distribution using wheat, and I believe this business model will be adopted across the music industry and beyond. My third album 'Britpop' comes out on May 10th, by which time none of these sites will be operational.